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6/15/05 04:47 pm

I am actually pretty content right now.

This summer has been:

1. Bubble coffee
2. Richard Brautigan
3. Blindingly white converse sneakers
4. Asians/ asian mania
5. Resumes
6. Japanese general stores
7. Library books
8. Surprisingly few movies
9. Haruki Murakami
10. Post-travel depression
11. Cuddling
12. Big bags to throw everything i own into
13. Camera Obscura
14. Perfect windy sun
15. Wistfulness

Taipei was
1. Beautiful gray subways
2. Breathtaking homogeneity
3. The smell of humidity
4. Karaoke
5. Neon lights
6. Amazingly stylish everybody
7. Chilly air conditioning
8. "huan ying guan ling!"
9. Gray oasis hotel
10. Coffee and cafe culture
11. Noodles and soup
12. Japanese confusion
13. Windy heat
14. Mosquito bites
15. Inadquate maneuvering of mandarin
16. Sketching strangers in cafes
17. Wanting to stay forever
18. Plastic foods
19. Apple juice
20. Feeling so safe and hidden away from reality
21. White bed sheets
22. School kids in uniforms
23. Chinese and japanese tv shows and music videos

3/18/05 10:02 pm - I DONT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING TODAY IF I DONT WANT TO

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'm turning 19 on the 19th. It doesn't feel like a different day though really, especially because I wont be at school.
My mom didn't even want to talk to me today. Suddenly people are calling me and I feel ill-prepared because I feel like I don't know how to talk on the phone without sounding like an awkward schoolboy, with anybody. I don't know how I feel about anything anymore, if I care about the people that I used to think I cared about (who made everybody else, everybody new that I met seem so dull). Things don't seem as together anymore, I feel like i have to search for bits of happiness here and there and only sometimes do I luck out. I feel like most of the things that make me happy these days are those that I experience on my own. It's a bit sad, really. People forget to call me these days. Tea makes the martian plants grow faster. I turn down an invitation to talk because of rain and nonexistent papers. Rain makes me feel O.K. for staying in, and just taking a bath and watching a movie and drinking tea and pretending to do homework. I remember my last birthday I went to school late in the morning and hid out in the shadows of the library stairwell and cried. I was sad, I don't remember why. Lillian took me to the beach afterschool that day and I couldn't even bring myself to step into the water. I didn't know why I was making such a big deal. It's probably good that I wont be at school on this birthday. I find myself lately wishing that I'll get answering machines when I make calls. It's just so much easier. Except it's interesting to realize who in my life makes me really disappointed when I get their answering machines. I want to make myself a birthday present and I dont know what. Maybe a music list but that's kind of boring. Maybe a book. This bit of writing is getting EMO so I'm quitting.

2/25/05 11:18 pm

survey shmurvey

February Currents

Current book: Outside Lies Magic: Regaining History and Awareness in Everyday Places by John Stilgoe... (reccomended to me by my high school art teacher recentely), and little art books from the library, one on the art scene in the 90s in England. These are snippets of inspiration in between mounds and mounds of reading for school
Current CD: Unknown Pleasures by Joy Division, Power Corruption & Lies by New Order, La Maison de mon Reve by CocoRosie, Poor Aim: Love Songs by The Blow
Current shame-inducing guilty pleasure: not having left my room in 24+ hours (though I'm sick and practically bed-ridden) save for trips to the bathroom and the water fountain and the vending machine (which brings me to guilty pleasure #2, eating yucky instant foods because I'm scared to go outside in this condition) and #3 thinking that being sick is a good way of making me stay in and do my work but instead I'm procrastinating like MAD and just feeling bored and disconnected instead
Current link: I've rediscovered www.style.com, and library websites
Current colour: blue blue navy blue blue
Current fetish: French New Wave cinema, 80s New Wave music, media reccomendations, collaborations with people on creative things, encouragements and ideas to do things
Current drink: I'm chugging orange juice like crazy hoping the vitamin C will rid me of this sickness!
Current wish list: Spring Break, a ticket to a faraway city, something to do this summer, instant philosophical genious and insight, a cure for writer's block, heavy duty long-johns, mittens and a hat, good friends within physical reach, warmer weather, a big roll of white butcher paper to tape up on my wall and draw on, another box of tissue.... man I'm greeeedy!
Current fave song: This Must Be The Place by The Talking Heads, Ceremony by New Order/Joy Division
Current triumph: Making it out to New York City to see the Gates
Current bane of existence: sickness. I'm so mad at my body, I feel so betrayed by you, body!
Current indulgence: Writing in my journal like crazy, so self-indulgent but comforting
Current #1 blessing: The health I will have when I get better, having a home that I am excited to go back to
Current excitement: SPRING BREAK CALI 2005!!! WOOOOOO!
Current mood: I feel gross, depleted of nutrients and energy, disconnected from the world and disoriented, and longing to have physical social interaction again. I end on that high note.

2/20/05 03:18 pm

2/17/05 08:34 pm

on Saturday I'm going into the city. I'M SEEING THE GATES!!!!!!!!!!! I've decided I'm going to go by myself but tons of people I know are going to be there anyway so I'm going to leave my day open to see what I feel like doing and probably meet up with different people. There are so many people I'm potentially seeing, I'm only going to be there for a day so I have no idea if/how I'm going to see all of these people. Maybe I'll end up seeing none of them. Hopefully going by myself wont be as sad.

2/14/05 12:27 pm - Hating Valentine's Day was so last year

No, I never hated Valentine's Day. And I especially don't hate it today. Maybe it's because I don't have my eye on anybody, really. I guess I can understand the feeling if you're in love with somebody who doesn't love you back. But that's not really the case today. I feel so romantically DISinclined here, it's crazy. I don't remember feeling this way for ages, usually I attach myself to someone in order to get over the last one.

It's suddenly started snowing outside. I want to go to the city this weekend to see The Gates. I know that I haven't found a good friend yet, becuase I can feel it inside of me that I have not yet found my calm-Japanese-dinner companion, nor have I found my slow-afternoon-in-a-NYC-cafe companion. The only ones I can think of don't go here, or would just be into it for the sake of doing something, anything. I wish Melissa would come up to New York. Last night I couldn't get to sleep because I kept thinking about 1) The possibility of going to Hong Kong this summer to work and live with Cordelia, and grow up and be on my own for once and 2) The possibility of going to New York this weekend, maybe even by myself which is in some ways even more exciting but saad that I'd have to go by myself because I can't find anyone calm enough to go, and scary and probably not going to happen because I know I would run into tons of people that I know and that would be no-fun and isolating.

Cait's not even going to be here, so I better get out.

Life Aquatic again/Naomi's on Friday?
NYC on Saturday?

JOHN I wish he would call me back because now I am a bit worried about him.

I'm listening to Michelle's first mix, I remember getting it in the mail and putting it on in the little time I had between classes and the envelope was soaked through with rain but then it was so perfect with it raining outside and I loved it.

I feel aimless.

2/9/05 12:07 pm

I don't know where I am right now. I'm neither discontent nor content. I don't even feel like I'm waiting for something, yet I am. . . That's all silliness. I've got to be something, right. I feel nostalgic but I want to put the past away too. I love and I don't. I want to do all of my homework and I want to do none of it. Silly silly silly. Things don't feel straightforward at all, so I don't know where to go. Each day feels like sort of a waste, here. I'd like to make a friend who I can have a calm Japanese food dinner with. I've decided I can't trust people who are too social. Realized, decided, realized. I'm always just trying to recreate the times when I've been happy, whether they were far away or last weekend or yesterday, and it's pretty hard to live that way. I'm NOT SAD

2/9/05 12:07 am

1. Mix CDs
2. Picking out different things to put in a paper bag at the cafeteria to take home
3. Avoiding people
4. Having a stack of art books on my desk
5. Being excited about something
6. Slipping things under the door by way of envelopes
7. Making sure to get a CD to borrow for the bus ride home, we decided on the Talking Heads. It was difficult because This Must Be The Place was skippy and I just wanted to listen to it more than ever
8. Running away from the "sanitorium"
9. Getting art books reccomended to me
10. Talking to my parents on the phone about regular kinds of things like movies and architecture
11. Boots for hiking in the snow
12. Taking photos with my digital camera, being less scared to take pictures of people because they are drunk and don't care so much
13. Wearing the same thing every day
14. Using CDs again instead of broken silly ipod
15. Seeing old friends
16. Stopping by peoples rooms
17. Doing homework in advance/ not doing it
18. Getting oustide of my dorm
19. Little art books
20. Nostalgia for recent memories
21. Mom's cashmere sweater
22. Coffee and/ or movies as relaxation methods
23. Writing earnestly to people I don't know
24. Going backwards in musical time
25. lectures
26. advice
27. The prospect of getting something in the mail from Lizzie

1/29/05 04:35 pm

I feel like I'm just waiting for something AMAZING to happen and I think I'm inhibiting myself by doing so. Are good things supposed to happen naturally, organically, or does one have to seek them out for oneself?


Fanny and Alexander is GOOD.
www.learningtoloveyoumore.com
www.harrellfletcher.com
are GOOD.

I don't want to BE right now. I don't want to be dead, I just want to be in the air, not feeling anything. Just because I'm so restless. Inside and out I feel different. I dont know what I'm going to do with myself, future tense. Maybe I want to be a baby. Just for a little while. Though I never like it when people say they dont want to "think". That's how I feel right now, a little bit. Though I guess babies think, but it's all very different and new for them is the thing.
Last night I socialized for the first time in so long. It was all right.

1/20/05 07:51 pm - wa wa wa

I feel. . .

I feel that things are not as I think they should be here because I had such a nice time at home and was pretty much just utterly happy and my experience here pales in comparison. It is in COMPARISON but I feel pretty lame here and this place feels pretty lame, whether I compare it to something better or not, because that will be how I feel then and that's what seems to matter to me. I just like my friends from home so much, especially now, and things developed for the better when I went home so it's caused me to reexamine my situation here and just have an overall feeling of utter dissatisfaction. I feel like I have no right (and no good reason) to judge it based on the way my other world is (also loved by me as a result of knowing it better) but I just CRAVE better relationships here. Right now I'm just trying to keep to myself but it's a difficult situation I put myself into. . . the more I try to condition myself to be able to be alone, the more I shut myself off from others and ultimately I decrease the chances of building solid relationships. In addition, the more I TRY to condition myself to be alone and to like being alone, despite the times when I genuinely feel comfortable in solitude, it's generally just not a good way of living and it never will be and I have to face up to it. I'm just scared of people though and I don't know how to be social.

There was an enormous fly in my room and it was bothering me with its noise and it landed right in front of me so I just trapped it in a little plastic pumpkin jar my mom sent to me on halloween and surprisingly I was too quick for it and then I quickly put the lid on. I tried to set it free outside of my window but I had forgotten that there were insect screens on it. So then I went out into the lounge where some people were doing homework together and I opened that window where the screen is broken, pushed the screen away, and set it free. It was scared so I had to shake it so it would go. The people doing homework understood completely after minor confusions.
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