bitterbuffalos (bitterbuffalos) wrote,
bitterbuffalos
bitterbuffalos

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I DONT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING TODAY IF I DONT WANT TO

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'm turning 19 on the 19th. It doesn't feel like a different day though really, especially because I wont be at school.
My mom didn't even want to talk to me today. Suddenly people are calling me and I feel ill-prepared because I feel like I don't know how to talk on the phone without sounding like an awkward schoolboy, with anybody. I don't know how I feel about anything anymore, if I care about the people that I used to think I cared about (who made everybody else, everybody new that I met seem so dull). Things don't seem as together anymore, I feel like i have to search for bits of happiness here and there and only sometimes do I luck out. I feel like most of the things that make me happy these days are those that I experience on my own. It's a bit sad, really. People forget to call me these days. Tea makes the martian plants grow faster. I turn down an invitation to talk because of rain and nonexistent papers. Rain makes me feel O.K. for staying in, and just taking a bath and watching a movie and drinking tea and pretending to do homework. I remember my last birthday I went to school late in the morning and hid out in the shadows of the library stairwell and cried. I was sad, I don't remember why. Lillian took me to the beach afterschool that day and I couldn't even bring myself to step into the water. I didn't know why I was making such a big deal. It's probably good that I wont be at school on this birthday. I find myself lately wishing that I'll get answering machines when I make calls. It's just so much easier. Except it's interesting to realize who in my life makes me really disappointed when I get their answering machines. I want to make myself a birthday present and I dont know what. Maybe a music list but that's kind of boring. Maybe a book. This bit of writing is getting EMO so I'm quitting.
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