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Mundane Journeys

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1/13/05 02:02 am - The body calls the body calls out it whispers at first and ends with a shout

I'm a bit blue. Even though I JUST SAW THE ARCADE FIRE LIVE. They were absolutely amazing, perhaps the best concert I've ever been to.! First night of the entire tour too.

Perhaps I always listen to sad music when it's nighttime and I'm trying to fall asleep.
I'm sad because I've been hearing about people who I no longer wish to be associated with though a few people I wish i could still talk to if things weren't so messed up now. I dont know what messed them up but I hate communicating and plus we live in separate worlds now, I feel like we would fail to understand each other. Even though I've talkd to other people from my past and it's nice to talk to them. I think maybe I just have to stop hearing about this person, and stop knowing information about this person.

stop knowing information about people who I dont talk to anymore.


"SOOOOOOO GOOD!" (That's what somebody called out to THE ARCADE FIRE at the concert. It really just sums them up becuase there's no other way of describing them!)

1/12/05 12:34 pm

"Isn't it strange how people never form a whole?...They never come together. They remain separate. Each goes his own way, distrustful and tragic. Even when they're together, in big buildings, or on the street."


I've mostly been writing in my regular journal. Lots and lots. Last night I couldn't sleep at all so I woke up and opened up the blinds to my big windows and stared out at the city in the darkness. It was so quiet, and there was something sad about the way the lights on the bridge always blink, constantly and consistently. I'm scared about going back to school, because I can't distinguish anything about it, in my mind it's all just one huge ball that I don't really know that well, that I feel uncomfortable in... I dont know people well enough for them to inspire me. Nobody is extreme, though saying that I would self-define myself as extreme which isn't the case. People all seem the same, but maybe it's just because I know my friends from home well enough to distinguish them from each other and from everybody else. I have trouble describing anyone at school to my friends here, because I dont know how. Descriptions differentiate things. Maybe I'm mean. Maybe I'm snobby! It just seems like people are so NORMAL but that the same time weird in really disconcerting ways, in which I feel like such an outsider because I can't possibly understand how some people can be a certain way.

I want to FOCUS my life. Narrow down. The people I spend time with, so I can build strong relationships with few people (though there are so many people I just feel like I can't commit to anybody this early on), the music I listen to (I'm musically fickle), the things I do, the things I learn about...

wikipedia.com is amazing.

I want to get ahold of some big white butcher paper to draw BIG THINGS on, to tape up on the wall and draw and everything. And I'm getting that funny sleeping bag I found in my sister's closet dry cleaned. I want little nooks wherever I go. I've decided small rooms are best.


!

1/6/05 01:16 am

So. Today was a good day, I suppose. I had lunch with Lillian at my old school, then I wasn't sure what to do with myself when she had to go back to class. I knew I couldn't go back home. . . so then I just hopped on the subway and went downtown and suddenly jumped up and got off at the station that gets me to the library. I ended up spending all afternoon at the main library. I looked at mainly reference books. Mostly one by Billy Name of photographs of Andy Warhol's Factory. It seemed so cool, to be living with a bunch of amazing artists and you just made art of all kinds together, all the time. Paintings, photos, music, film. . . I also looked at a Brice Marden book and read a little bit about French new wave cinema in another book. I wrote down in my journal every little thing that I wanted to remember or know more about, to look up later. Then I looked at the December PARIS VOGUE which is basically a masturbatory homage to Sofia Coppola, which is cool for her I guess, but geez, what a lifestyle. Making films however you want, editing the entirety of Paris Vogue on the side, ho hum. Anyway, then I went to my mom's office and had coffee and chocolate chip cookies with her and then we went home. After dinner we watched the rest of Tokyo Story (which is AMAZING in a very subtle way) and I watched some of the funny reflections of admirers of Ozu. When I get back to school I feel like I MUST find a way to keep myself this inspired, because it gives me some sort of hope. . . and not talk to anyone who gets me upset and just keep to myself and do crazy art all over the place. Masturbatory, in a way. !

1/3/05 10:50 pm - Latest weather conditions

"I don't believe in the sun"


Bumming around. Drinking coffee. Being scared of the people who work at the library because i have overdue fines. Burritos of heaven and coffee with strangers/ friends. Wanting to model all the clothes I buy from now on after the factory girls. . . nico & edie, black tights black pants black sweaters cardigans pearls huge dangly earrings flat shoes. Missing my sister. Discovering new music in the music that I already own. Writing emails to new professors. Sitting down to read a book. Eating really gross overdue stuff in the pantry because no one will take me to the grocery store. Wearing my sister's underwear because we never do laundry. Feeling like I don't know anyone anymore.

1/1/05 03:17 pm

By the way--something else for me to remember... at the very stroke of midnight we had just arrived at the cabin and unloaded our belongings from a long and exhausting car ride, starving stomachs, so we were preparing dinner of french bread brie chips guacamole smores and white wine in the half dark, and we didn't really care to make 12:00 a big deal but I set my alarm clock on my ghetto phone and at 12:00 A.M. we are in the middle of slicing and dicing when all of a sudden we hear little beep beep beep and we say happy new year and clap and smile a little bit and then back to chopping to create the most anticlimactic turning over of the year ever. Not to say inadequate though.

1/1/05 03:08 pm

hey man. Last night we drove up to Inverness to a little cabin which actually turned out to be really nice in a rustic way, and it had electricity and heat and running water which we weren't expecting. We were planning to get drunk or take some old pills in the dark but it turns out we just sat around and ate in the light and drank white wine which made me feel strangely spacey after one cup and made me so tired I couldn't function, I seriously felt like I didn't want to do anything so I laid down on a bed and tried to sleep. Sleep did not come to me, for my feet were freezing all night, but finally I found ways to warm them up and finally I drifted off after many hours of listening to conversations in the other room. It wasn't the best time ever, I distinctly remember at various points wishing to just be at home curled up in the warmth of my own bed. This morning I woke up though and everybody was asleep and I just listened to music on my headphones and read Carter's VICE magazine, which sort of sucked as usual, by the way. I just wanted to go home, though we had a pretty nice breakfast together, along with two girls who arrived during the night who I was only a little acquainted with (one which I went to middle school with actually, and hadn't seen since the very graduation day from 8th grade). I wanted to go home, for some reason almost to the point of tears. I didn't want to miss my sister leaving home because I really like being around her now. I drank one and a half cups of coffee and hardly anything to eat but half a poppyseed muffin and so now quite some hours later I'm buzzing and typing at a mile a minute with nothing to do. My sister's not even home. I'm not sure what to do with myself. Maybe fix myself something nice to eat. Take a shower or a BATH maybe. Happy new year!!! I'm listening to an old Lou Reed record and it's just so perfect because it's that feeling I have now when I listen to something I used to listen to so much but like an old friend I haven't listened to it in a while but now it just seems so right.

12/30/04 12:04 am

I stay up later than all of the other people in this house and when everyone is asleep I just get this feeling of aimlessness. I first recognized it last night I think. I was listening to Sigur Ros and sitting in my little Cubby Hole Closet and I just thought, "What am I going to do????" Not about that moment, nor this period of time, nor the future even. I'm not sure what I meant. But I just felt it I suppose. I had been watching the news on T.V. for the first time in ages and had gotten an overwhelming feeling of sadness... not only about what's happened in South Asia but just everything else too. Apparently somebody stole 20 of the Salvation Army's Christmas donation buckets. Who would do such a thing???? It's just no good. It's wrong is what. But I just feel so aimless and useless, like there's nothing for me to do. What is there for me to do, about anything? About all that's going on, about what a bad year this has been, about my disappointment with something that is supposed to be the best time of my life. About the people I've surrounded myself with. I don't know. I hate this feeling. I just want to feel... inhabited. And not inhibited.



WHY ON EARTH would "weird" be winking and smiling??????? what the hell. I think these little journal emotions are mixed up.

12/27/04 09:16 pm

I don't know if it's wrong of me to not return calls; I feel that maybe I will regret it but I really don't know why I don't call back sometimes. Especially this time. I wonder what's going to result. I want to and I don't want to.


I saw THE LIFE AQUATIC today with my sister and her boyfriend and it was fairly entertaining. I love Bud Cort (though he is a balding old man now... except he still has the same voice and the little smile). There is an interview with him in the Pink Pages of yesterday's Chronicle and he says that he gets $11 a year for Harold and Maude.

I'm going through this strange time right now (maybe because my sister's home) where I feel like I don't want to talk to ANYONE. Well there are a few people I like talking to, like I still talk to Hannah on the phone, though just now felt like I made a fool out of myself because sometimes I just talk about nonsense and know that it can't matter to the other person but I just keep talking about something so pointless and it's like inertia I can't stop.

The days are really going fast and I want them to be FULL and lived by EROS but I just don't know how to. I don't know if it's a good idea for me to cut myself off from other people, usually it is a defense, protection like thing, and I really feel a longing to make contact when I cut myself off usually but right now I don't really feel it. Right now I feel like all I want to do is hang out in my new little reading room in my closet. Under the covers.

12/25/04 01:18 am - Merry Christmas 2004

"tell me at least six things you may or may not consider personal... I'm not talking about jet-ski accidents but truly things you thought you'd never tell"

Well, Christmas is now officially a nothing-new-day. I remember I used to get SO EXCITED (!!!!) and wake up immediately at the appropriate hour of the morning to rush down and take in ribbon and papers come undone and cookies half-eaten and big breakfast. I didn't even get my sister a present this year and I feel bad about it.

I've started a project though. I'm cleaning out my little walk-in closet (which I basically did today, though I am not done) and turning it into a tiny secret magical room of some sort. Something of the likes of a reading room/ a place to go when I am mad sad or even happy. I just like the idea of the secret room, so tiny and just for me. The idea came to me a while ago in drawing form but I only just realized that it is MINE to accomplish last night when something triggered me to run upstairs to my little crawl-space in my then-overcrowded closet and cry a little bit. Mom found me out and sat in there with me, with the door closed and everything. And she listened to me and I cried some more a little.

Now i've got the floor in there cleared and I've got my old kids mattress in there. I moved some books onto a shelf in there too. I've yet to get the weird little sleeping bag we found in Melissa's room (we still haven't figured out where it came from and whose it is, but it's now MINE!) and some pillows and other things like wall hangings and bed sheets for the ceiling and all of that stuff.

We had a really nice dinner tonight. I had fondue for the first time though which I didn't really have the hots for so much. I think we put too much wine in it was the problem. We talked for a long time, I drank orange juice with my meal, lots, and then I came upstairs and did some more work on the closet and then somehow got to looking at my old sketchbook and THEN somehow got to looking at my old yearbook from last year. I thought I was immune to any sort of sad feelings resulting from that book but I did feel them, just a little bit, just with my lonely feeling here. Melissa's home though which helps. I was mad at her at first when she came home but then I guess I was just a bit sad and then got over it. I wonder what's next week going to be like.

12/19/04 10:31 pm - Every little thing she does is magic

I hope this is still readable. I mean literally, with the colors and all.


I'm just a few days in now and it feels good to be DONE gone away but I'm already getting that feeling. It just feel strange, to be split between two worlds now but not feeling complete in either. It means that life for me, for a while at least, will be pretty incomplete. At least here I can be in my own space though. I've made a vow that I will turn whatever blue-ness or mean reds I get from now on into something productive, into something I love. If I can't do that at least quit moping and turn it into something interesting at least. I suppose that's what writing does sometimes. I'd like to do more drawing, it's been such a long time.
And I know I can't complain about loneliness because I have not ANSWERED certain calls let alone screened them. Some people though, just won't fit the mood. Maybe I'm meant for a life of isolation, the way I think about things right now.
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